My authentic voice

Will the real Julie Howell please... sit down and explain herself.

From the moment that I agreed to be part of this project I was concerned that everyone who got to hear about it understood that I'd taken part 'for the right reasons'.

For me, these are the right reasons:

• The MS Society asked me to do it and I like to do things that help the MS Society promote greater understanding of MS;
• These paintings are an exploration of the sensuality of women with MS. The experience of MS can be very degrading at times. This is an opportunity to remind everyone - especially other women with MS - that we remain sensual beings no matter what MS does to us;
• The project will promote public understanding of MS;
• The project might raise the esteem of other women with MS.

These are the other reasons (also known as the 'less politically correct' reasons):

• I knew that if I didn't do it I'd regret it and not forgive myself;
• I knew that if I didn't do it I'd be jealous of the women that did and I'd kick myself for my cowardice.

Those are the reasons, the only reasons, I decided to become involved in this project.

As I said in an earlier post, I'm pretty indifferent to my own physical form. I don't participate in sports and I'm not a model (ha, well, I am a model). Sometimes I might try to control my weight and my shape through diet and exercise. Most of the time, I don't bother.

I like myself enough as I am. I have enough of the right kind of attention and not too much of the wrong kind. I'm pragmatic about my appearance and not unhappy with it most of the time. It just is. I like to wear flattering clothes, and when I was a teenager I most definitely used my appearance to express who I was. These days, I dress much the same way most of the time. I don't look too different when I'm at work from when I'm at home. I wear make-up all of the time (except when I'm sleeping, obviously), mainly because if I don't people comment on how tired I look and it gets on my nerves.

Possibly the only times I'm really aware of how I present my body shape are when I'm trying to trap a man (cupboard under the stairs over-flowing with them now) and when I'm public speaking (I do a lot of this in my job, public speaking I mean, not trapping men - ho ho). As a public speaker, you contrive a stance that projects your voice most effectively and seek to 'own the space' around you. (I'll write more about this in my other blog some time.)

However, through discussion with Melissa (the artist) I've come to see my body in a different light. Parts of it that I didn't really think about before, particularly the curved parts, are of much greater significance somehow.

Anyway...

The best way to hear 'my authentic voice' is to actually hear it...