This is a difficult one to share. And it seems really odd now.
When I first saw 'Classicism' I really struggled with it. Really struggled. To the point of not being able to sleep for several days and feeling like I should pull out of the project (I am so very glad that I didn't!).
I could keep the following to myself. But in the spirit of openness perhaps it's better to share.
I wrote the following on 9 February, long before this blog began, but with a view to including it in the blog at some point. My feelings on that day were extremely intense. I share this with you now to show that this project has not always been easy for me. That said, it has been through overcoming my personal distress that I have reaped huge rewards and I don't regret a second of any of it, including the bad stuff I went through.
I hope other women who feel uneasy about showing others their naked (or even their clothed) body get some comfort from this...
Please note: this is how I felt THEN. It is not how I feel NOW.
9 Feb 2007
We’ve had a bit of a hiccup. In fact, it’s a double-hiccup.
I took the day off work to travel to Northampton for a photo shoot with Melissa and the other models for an exclusive feature in the Daily Mail newspaper [Note: the DM decided not to cover the story in the end - their loss!].
Unfortunately, heavy snow in some parts of the country means half the party are snow-bound, so the shoot has been postponed until the end of the month.
This was particularly disappointing as today was supposed to be THE day. The day I saw my painting for the first time.
I was always anxious about the prospect of seeing the painting for the first time in front of Melissa, so I was half-pleased to be spared that ordeal.
However, I did get to see a scan of the picture (sent to me by email) later in the day – and for the first time in my life I was actually glad that snow had interfered with my plans.
I have the greatest respect for Melissa and her work. But I was absolutely gutted when I saw the picture. Even more so when I saw it along side Alice’s and Tracey’s.
I fully accept that I’m not the most beautiful subject and I don’t mind coming third in the beauty stakes. But I am bitterly disappointed at the dark nature and starkness of the image. You can’t see my face and, in my opinion, the subject could be anyone.
I just don’t get it. Why Melissa would portray me this way? I really want to love it, but I don’t.
I resolved that if a friend reacted positively to it then I would put up and shut up. Unfortunately, two of my friends had even stronger negative reactions to it than I did.
So my mind was made up. This painting should not see the light of day. And it if did, then it would be without my endorsement.
I didn’t know what to do for the best. I didn’t want to be precious about the artist’s work and I wanted to accept her interpretation of me, however uncomfortable it made me feel. But I cannot. So I called a contact at the MS Society and expressed my dismay. This turned out to be the right thing to do. She was extremely sympathetic and understanding and has promised to approach Melissa to see if she will be prepared to ‘try again’.
I didn’t sleep a wink, that night, I was so upset and disappointed.
'Distraught' is the only word to describe how I felt that day.
But how you feel isn't the entire world and everything in it. It's just emotions. And emotions and feelings can - and invariably do - change.
That all seems like such a long time ago now.
I've actually come to LOVE 'Classicism'. It just took me a bit to time to get to the point of acceptance.
Conversations with Melissa helped me to see things very differently.
Of course, it also helped to see 'Blue Mood' (I hadn't seen this second picture at the time I wrote the original blog entry). Once I'd seen 'Blue Mood' I found I could live with 'Classicism'.
However, once other people starting seeing both pictures in the context of the exhibition, I actually began to love 'Classicism' and now prefer it over 'Blue Mood'.
Although I'm 'in a good place' emotionally with regard to both paintings now, I am certain that I had to go through that pain to get here.
Here's the thing: posing for Melissa was easy, but surrendering control of your image to someone is difficult. It is hard to let go of control. It hurts and it hurt me. But having done it, my relationship with my body is so much the better. I think Melissa always knew this. I also think she tried to tell me. But I couldn't hear it from Melissa. I had to get there by myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment