Beauty Through Strength

What is beauty anyway?

When the MS Society asked me to pose naked for Melissa Mailer-Yates I didn't know what to say.

I'm 36.

I'm not pretty.

I'm not tall.

I'm certainly not slim.

I don't have good skin.

I always look tired (I always am tired).

For about three seconds I panicked.

I wanted to say 'yes'.... I know a once-in-lifetime opportunity when it presents itself.

But me? Naked?? Couldn't the MS Society ask me to do something a little less... challenging?

There are some opportunities you know you should grasp with both hands before they get away from you.

So I said 'yes' before I could say 'no'.

And here we are, four months later. Naked before the world.

I knew this project was going to be an emotional roller coaster ride. It hasn't disappointed.

Thanks to the support and encouragement of the amazing group of people whom I count as my close friends, I have managed to keep my head up and have made it to launch day, this blog and my chance to share this experience with you.

This blog includes video interviews with a number of my friends and footage from the day I first saw the paintings in real life and from the opening night of the exhibition.

I would love to know what you think about this exhibition, about the paintings and about what you think about what I've done here. Please post comments. I will try to respond to them all.

Very 'Blue Mood'

Big women of the world take comfort from my tale...

This is a difficult one to share. And it seems really odd now.

When I first saw 'Classicism' I really struggled with it. Really struggled. To the point of not being able to sleep for several days and feeling like I should pull out of the project (I am so very glad that I didn't!).

I could keep the following to myself. But in the spirit of openness perhaps it's better to share.

I wrote the following on 9 February, long before this blog began, but with a view to including it in the blog at some point. My feelings on that day were extremely intense. I share this with you now to show that this project has not always been easy for me. That said, it has been through overcoming my personal distress that I have reaped huge rewards and I don't regret a second of any of it, including the bad stuff I went through.

I hope other women who feel uneasy about showing others their naked (or even their clothed) body get some comfort from this...

Please note: this is how I felt THEN. It is not how I feel NOW.

9 Feb 2007

We’ve had a bit of a hiccup. In fact, it’s a double-hiccup.

I took the day off work to travel to Northampton for a photo shoot with Melissa and the other models for an exclusive feature in the Daily Mail newspaper [Note: the DM decided not to cover the story in the end - their loss!].

Unfortunately, heavy snow in some parts of the country means half the party are snow-bound, so the shoot has been postponed until the end of the month.

This was particularly disappointing as today was supposed to be THE day. The day I saw my painting for the first time.

I was always anxious about the prospect of seeing the painting for the first time in front of Melissa, so I was half-pleased to be spared that ordeal.

However, I did get to see a scan of the picture (sent to me by email) later in the day – and for the first time in my life I was actually glad that snow had interfered with my plans.

I have the greatest respect for Melissa and her work. But I was absolutely gutted when I saw the picture. Even more so when I saw it along side Alice’s and Tracey’s.

I fully accept that I’m not the most beautiful subject and I don’t mind coming third in the beauty stakes. But I am bitterly disappointed at the dark nature and starkness of the image. You can’t see my face and, in my opinion, the subject could be anyone.

I just don’t get it. Why Melissa would portray me this way? I really want to love it, but I don’t.

I resolved that if a friend reacted positively to it then I would put up and shut up. Unfortunately, two of my friends had even stronger negative reactions to it than I did.

So my mind was made up. This painting should not see the light of day. And it if did, then it would be without my endorsement.

I didn’t know what to do for the best. I didn’t want to be precious about the artist’s work and I wanted to accept her interpretation of me, however uncomfortable it made me feel. But I cannot. So I called a contact at the MS Society and expressed my dismay. This turned out to be the right thing to do. She was extremely sympathetic and understanding and has promised to approach Melissa to see if she will be prepared to ‘try again’.

I didn’t sleep a wink, that night, I was so upset and disappointed.

'Distraught' is the only word to describe how I felt that day.

But how you feel isn't the entire world and everything in it. It's just emotions. And emotions and feelings can - and invariably do - change.

That all seems like such a long time ago now.

I've actually come to LOVE 'Classicism'. It just took me a bit to time to get to the point of acceptance.

Conversations with Melissa helped me to see things very differently.

Of course, it also helped to see 'Blue Mood' (I hadn't seen this second picture at the time I wrote the original blog entry). Once I'd seen 'Blue Mood' I found I could live with 'Classicism'.

However, once other people starting seeing both pictures in the context of the exhibition, I actually began to love 'Classicism' and now prefer it over 'Blue Mood'.

Although I'm 'in a good place' emotionally with regard to both paintings now, I am certain that I had to go through that pain to get here.

Here's the thing: posing for Melissa was easy, but surrendering control of your image to someone is difficult. It is hard to let go of control. It hurts and it hurt me. But having done it, my relationship with my body is so much the better. I think Melissa always knew this. I also think she tried to tell me. But I couldn't hear it from Melissa. I had to get there by myself.

We have lift off!

"See me... then see Me" by Melissa Mailer-Yates
Number Nine The Gallery, Birmingham, UK
8 March - 1 April 2007

Wow.

This continues to be one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and it just keeps on giving.

On 8 March, the exhibition launched to the public. The show contains 30 pieces. All are for sale. Some of the models have MS. Some do not. And that's really the point - you can't tell who has MS just by looking at these pictures.

Melissa's talent is breath-taking.

Watch the video (above) and you'll know I'm no art critic, so I'm not even going to try.

Please, if you get the opportunity, go and see the exhibition for yourself. It's at Number Nine The Gallery, 9 Brindleyplace, Birmingham B1 2JA until 1 April 2007 (excluding 14 March).

The chap in the film is my friend Grant (who fortunately can pronounce 'Classicism' correctly).

And there are lots of photos from the night too!

Both paintings of me and many others from this collection are for sale. The two pieces in which I appear are entitled Classicism and Blue Mood. If you are interested in purchasing either picture please contact Lee at Number Nine the Gallery at lee@numberninethegallery.com.

Publicity shots

...they're back from the lab and looking fab!

Last week, Melissa, the other models and I met up at the Northampton Saints Rugby Stadium for a publicity photo shoot.

I got first sight of the pictures today and they look wonderful.

Here's one:I've posted the rest on Flickr.

All credit to out photographer Barry from Bread & Shutter.

Bluffer's Guide to MS

Here comes the science...

MS is a degenerative condition of the central nervous system.

The white blobs you see on the brain scan (MRI) above indicate de-myelination that is typical of MS (note: this is not my brain. The NHS lost my MRI results (and just about every other set of test results I've ever had) years ago).

The cause isn't known, and while there are treatments that can slow the progress of MS and ease some of the symptoms, there is no known cure.

There are around 85,000 people with MS in the UK, and no two of us are exactly alike.

MS comes in four varieties:

• Benign


• Relapsing remitting


• Secondary progressive


• Primary progressive

I've known I have MS for nearly 16 years now.

I was diagnosed when I was 20, after 18 months of unexplained symptoms.

Prior to my diagnosis I had a test called a vision evoked potential that measures the speed of communication between the eye and the brain. The results strongly indicated MS and with my family history of MS (my paternal grandmother had MS) and my history of symptoms MS was diagnosed.

Shortly after diagnosis, I had a horrid test called a spinal tap (or lumbar puncture). The results were negative, throwing my diagnosis into doubt once more. The neurologist suggested that what I had could develop into MS but that the next five years would be critical (if I did not become significantly disabled over the following five years then the prognosis would remain good).

Six years after diagnosis I finally had an MRI test. You may wonder why I had to wait so long to have what is now considered to be the most important diagnostic test for conditions of the central nervous system. Quite simply, the equipment was available in very few hospitals back then. It was only when I moved to London that I could visit a neurology department that had an MRI machine.

The MRI showed scarring on my brain consistent with MS. My diagnosis was finally certain.

Apart from the odd bout of this and that, to this day I remain virtually symptom-free. Clearly, this is good news.

But MS isn't just about your physical body. Knowing that you have a condition that might get much worse over time, and knowing that the choices you make in life might impact on your future well-being has a profound effect on you emotionally. On the one hand, you feel inclined to just forget about MS when its symptoms aren't in evidence. On the other hand you are a person with MS. That is your identity.

Isn't it better for your mental health to be realistic about what the future might hold and to keep MS in mind as you make important life decisions?

I was only 20 when I was diagnosed. On the one hand this may seem 'tragic' and unfair. However, I feel grateful that I at least know how important is to look after myself and my future self now. My careful treatment of myself over the past 16 years might be why I'm doing so well physically today. Who can say? But I am absolutely positive that knowing I had MS early on has helped me to remain well emotionally and psychologically.

I do not want to have MS. But as I do, I'm grateful that I know it. Because knowing it means I have the best possible chance of making the best of life and making good decisions. In its own funny way, that's a gift.

Find out more about MS on the MS Society website.

Ready for my close-up

Saints Rugby Stadium, Wednesday 28th February 2007

We're keen to get as much publicity for the exhibition as possible, so we all got together - the models, the artist, the MS Society, the sponsors - for a photo shoot at the rugby stadium in Northampton.

This was the first time I met the other models, Tracey (39) and Alice (24).

MS affects everyone very differently. Alice and Tracey will tell their own stories in their own way.

Alice was diagnosed at 18. She's a statuesque beauty at 6 feet tall. She was runner-up in this year's Miss Wales competition, and winner in the 'best legs' category (Alice admits the irony of this, considering the way MS affect her legs at times - there's triumph over this stupid condition for you!).

Tracey is married with two young children. Like me, MS is 'in her family'. It is thanks to Tracey (and her husband Greg) that I got the opportunity to be painted by Melissa. Greg commissioned Melissa to produce the paintings after admiring her work. He had long wanted a portrait of Tracey, and thanks to his generous nature Alice and I were also invited to be involved.

Melissa's portrait of Tracey holding her legs with forehead touching her knees is the focal point of the exhibition. It's a beautiful, empowering image as you will see, and I know that Tracey and Greg are thrilled with it.

Alice's picture is also absolutely gorgeous.

There are two paintings of me. One of my face in repose, and a full-length portrait from behind. Both paintings provoke strong emotional reactions from the people I've shown them too so far. I love this... it's precisely why I became involved in this project.

So on 28th February, we all met up and had our pictures taken, together and individually, along with our paintings.

It was lovely to see Melissa again. She took time to explain to me the different treatments and techniques used to create the two portraits of me and I was reminded again of how very lucky I am to have been painted by Melissa.

Our fabulous photographer was Barry from Bread & Shutter.

We shot some video at the photo shoot and set it to music. The track is 'Sungrazer' by Thirsty, a band that features my friend Roo on guitar and vocals. Many thanks to Thirsty for their kind permission to use the track! If you'd like to get in touch with Roo and the band you can reach them at thepitcanary@hotmail.com.

Aphrodite Kallipygos

The Goddess of the Beautiful Buttocks.

My bum gets me in trouble. It's size and shape are inherited. My contribution is to stick to a strict diet of chocolate and cakes to ensure its natural beauty is maintained for as long as possible.

Seriously though, like most women, I'm quite happy that my bum is behind me (so I don't have to look at it all the time), and if I could walk with my back pressed against a wall at all times so no-one could see it I'd be very happy.

So imagine how I felt when Melissa revealed that she had painted a portrait of me that was no face and all arse (to be fair, those weren't her exact words... more my interpretation).

I struggled to accept this painting. What woman wouldn't? I have absolutely no argument with the artistic qualities of the piece. I know it is an extremely emotive and sensual image. I'm just a bit uneasy that it's a great big picture of my great big bottom.

When I met up with Melissa at the promotional photo shoot we had a chat about this particular picture.

Melissa told me that she was overjoyed when she met me as it was the first time she'd had a subject to paint who had a curvaceous bum. In the past, she'd had to 'artistically enhance' the bottoms of her slender models as they didn't have the natural, sensuous curves that she was hoping for.

I have to admit that hearing this cheered me up. I'm pleased by the thought that my bum could enjoy a solo career as a 'stunt bottom' for painfully thin supermodel types. Art teachers will encourage the study of my bottom as an example of classically beautiful curves that students should strive to emulate in their own work (I may be getting carried away here).

Melissa told me about Aphrodite Kallipygos, a temple in ancient Greece dedicated to the Greek Goddess of Beauty, Aprhrodite, also known as the Goddess of the Beautiful Buttocks.

According to Psychologist Galdino Pranzarone, Aphrodite Kallipygos "...was probably the only religious building in the world that was dedicated to buttock worship."

Professor Pranzarone also believes that, "the heart symbol that we associate with love is actually based on the shape of female buttocks."

Fancy that.

Thank you

Melissa Mailer-Yates

Greg and Tracey Kirkman

Claire Wingate, EnSafe

Diana Gornall, Matt Trainer and Chris Bray of the MS Society

Lee Benson, Number Nine The Gallery

Barry, Bread and Shutter

Iain Lee

Hugh Huddy, Jon Reed, Anne-Marie Alonso, Rupert White

Michael Nutley, New Media Age

Victoria Brignell & Angela Robson, Woman's Hour, BBC Radio 4

Jemma Walton, Peterborough Evening Telegraph

John Lamb, Ability

Damon Rose, BBC Ouch

Graeme Aymer

David Stevenson

The members of Jooly's Joint and people with MS everywhere xxx

Permissions

Please note the following with regard to copyright:

• Images of the paintings are the copyright of Number Nine The Gallery and Melissa Mailer-Yates
  
• Photoshoot images are the copyright of Bread & Shutter


• 'Sungrazer' by Thirsty is the copyright of Thirsty.

Out takes

Here are some sneaky out takes from interviews with Hugh and Roo (Shhh! Don't tell them!)


Hugh shall have the last word...